Viva La Vagina!!

I don't know why, but every time I come home from work, and I am flicking through the online TV guide, I see this...
And all I can think of is Viva La Vagina!!

Really, it means "Pages of Life", not "Long Live the Vagina"... but I like my translation better.

An Open Letter to Superstore Shoppers...

Dear Joe-Average Superstore Shopper,

Here are a few tips that will make my (and I guess your) shopping experience just that little bit better...

- learn how to park. Theory is that the smaller the car, the easier this feat is... prove it to me. I challenge you to park in one try...
- while I appreciate you bringing grandma/grandma/child with broken leg to the store, I do not appreciate it when you allow them to push the cart as SLOW AS SHIT. Given the chance I will walk by you in a huff and mumble "for fucks sake" under my breath. And really - by huff and mumble I mean audibly swear and scowl in your direction as I walk by.
- please use the self check-out as a 15 items or less line... to those of you (you know who you are) that insist on putting through and entire cart of fucking groceries - I hate you.
- if you do use the said self check-out, please make sure you know how to use the damn thing. This means a few things; a) once you scan the good, you put it in the bag or the machine will yell at you (and looking stunned because the machine won't let you scan any more items makes you look dumb by the way), b) when you buy bulk food, write the fucking code down so you don't have to search through nine zillion codes when you don't even know what the hell it is in the bag, and c) know your vegetables - if you don't know that leeks are leeks you shouldn't be buying them in the first damn place.
- speed is of the essence... pretend that once you finish and get your receipt, that that receipt is really a gold medal - and if you go slow, all you will get is the purple ribbon of achievement (like the one I the losers got on sports day in elementary school when they sucked and came in last).
- when the debit/credit card machine has stickers that say STRIPE OUT (no less than three times I might add) it really means - TURN YOUR CARDS FUCKING STRIPE OUT. I am sure that the store employees don't just put these stickers on the machines for fun... and I am sure that a little piece of them dies every time you push the "call cashier" button because your card isn't working and it is your OWN DAMN FAULT.
- when using self check-outs, to be able to use a coupon your IQ must fall into the genius range.

In order to make my experience better, please abide by these rules, or there is a chance that next time you see me in Superstore, I will be the lady going ape-shit bat-crazy on your sorry ass.

Sincerely,
Carmen in Calgary

What Would You Do For Mini Donuts???

I would pay people to deliver them...

Seriously...

Here is a time line of last night.

Show up to #yycdonairs with a bunch of Twitter friends... enjoy donairs (actually, we all at shawarmas...).

Get voted off the island - which means that instead of going to Sneak-a-Peek at the Stampede ($7 admission!) for mini donuts we go to a pub for beers.

Complain bitterly about not having mini donuts. Continuously. Probably annoyingly so.

Use Twitter to try and wrangle mini donuts out of someone leaving the Stampede. Offer $7 for delivery to a patio on the Red Mile...

And the rest goes as follows...
And then this morning... the saga continued...And I *may* have woken up to some donut sugar in my bellybutton this morning...

But is was all worth it.

Happy Canada Day!

You know your Canadian if... (visit Canadian...isms for the complete list)

You're not offended by the term, "Homo Milk".
You eat chocolate bars instead of candy bars.
You drink pop, not soda.
You can drink legally while still a teen in some provinces.
You don't know or care about the fuss with Cuba, it's just a cheap place to travel with very good cigars.
You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.
Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway.
You drive on a highway, not a freeway.
You know what a Robertson screwdriver is.
You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
You dismiss all beers under 6% as "for children and the elderly."
You drive with your headlights on during the day (since 1989, all new cars have been fitted with "daytime running lights").
You participated in "Participaction."
You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing 'u's from labor, honor, color. etc.
You know the French equivalents of "free", "prize", and "no sugar added", thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging.
You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.
You can do all the hand actions to Sharon, Lois and Bram's "Skin-a-ma-rinky-dinky-doo" opus.
You know what a touque is and you own one and often wear it.
You know Toronto is NOT a province.
You never miss "Coach's Corner" during Hockey Night in Canada.
You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
The local paper covers national and international headlines on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.
You understand the Labatt Blue Molson Canadian commercials.
You pronounce the last letter of the alphabet "zed" instead of "zee."
and ... You end some sentences with "eh," ... eh?

Watch out Etsy... I Have Arrived!

Well, I finally put a couple of items in the Etsy shop that I have had for about two years... I will be posting more to the shop over the next couple of days as I take pictures, etc. In the meantime, check out my little shop!

I'm Probably Going to Lose Followers for this Post...

But please tell me I am not the only person in the world who, after the initial "shock" (term used lightly - you had to know that a bazillion dollars of plastic surgery and the lack of a real nose would catch up on him) of Michael Jackson's death, is now rather "meh" about the whole thing...

It was so yesterday. Don't we have political unrest in Iran or the H1N1 pandemic to talk about anymore?

Seriously, acquitted or not or child molestation charges, the dude was a freaking whack job.

Maybe I feel this way because my parents deprived me of Michael Jackson music at an early age.

I would like to thank my mom for that deprivation.

I wonder how many followers I will lose because of this post?

Holidays... How I Love Thee...

Next week I go on a week of holidays... which, other than the Christmas break (which we actually get off work - so nice!) will be the longest stretch of holidays I have had since I went to Europe last May.

Oh Europe, how I miss you...

Next week (which is 14 work hours away...) I have to get some stuff done...

- clean the inside of my car - there are rocks under my floor mat that are bothering me. And yes, I know they are under the mat, but I know they are there.
- list some of my handmade greeting cards on Etsy - which means I have to take pictures of them, etc. This will probably take me forever. What sucks is most of my cards are Christmas cards... and it is nowhere near Christmas. Oh well.
- finish season one of True Blood so that I can move onto season two so I can keep up with all my Twitter friends that keep talking about it and I keep closing my eyes (which is kind of like plugging your ears and saying lalalalala - it doesn't really work).
- head to the Greatest Outdoor Show on EARTH!! The Calgary Stampede. This city is going to be full of cowboys and skankily less-than-appropriately dressed females for about 10 days...
- rollerblade at least five times for at least 10 km each time...
- continue my planning of the great Calgary to Calgary (with stops in Spokane, Seattle, Comox, Vancouver and Vernon) 2009 road trip... if anyone knows of cool little eateries in those areas (I am thinking of those "undiscovered" places - like the sandwich shops that bake their own bread and stuff) I would be happy to get suggestions. I tried looking up the restaurants from the Food Network show Diners, Drive-ins and Dives - but none of the ones I am interested in are close to where I am going.
- visit the ice cream shop in Cochrane that I hear has the best ice cream ever... we'll see about that!

Well - considering I have nine days off I think I can get through this list. I also want to tackle some meal planning since the "good" cafeteria at work will be closing for the rest of the summer and my co-worker wouldn't take up my offer to bring me frozen dinners everyday, even if I paid her. Her husband apparently thinks "the freezer is too small" - he doesn't seem to have my dietary needs as a high priority.

What's in My Bag?

Awhile back, Erin had posted a "What's in My Bag?" meme... and since I needed to clean out my purse I decided now would be a good time to let you in on what is in my bag...

Keep in mind that until I got divorced, my only handbag was a MEC carry-all over-the-shoulder canvas thing, and normally just stuck my wallet (a guys wallet at that) in my back pocket.

I now own a shelf of purses, including a purple one! Who would've thunk it? Me? A girl? A girl with a shelf of purses? Crazy!

And like Erin... I didn't feel the need to show all the contents of my bag... that cute little removable wristlet on the side of my purse holds all my unmentionables...Hope you enjoyed a little peak into my world...

The Saga... Comes to an End... Finally...

So, it has been well over a week since I have heard from the boy. Life is calmer and things are going well - I like not having added stress in my life.

But it was bothering me that I didn't get the last word. I figured that he already knew that I had talked to the ex-LIGF, so I fired off this text last night...

"So... I guess you've figured out I know your dirty secret since I haven't heard from you lately. Thanks for using me to cheat on (ex-LIGF's name)... I'm surprised you could keep everything straight with your lies... my fave is the one where you dropped her at a meeting, came here and had sex, and then went and picked her up. Bet you didn't really think she'd call me eh?"

I think that was a pretty good last text... I get a call from the ex-LIGF a while ago - turns out that he didn't know and apparently just dropped me like a hot potato. The craptastic part of all of this - he still blamed her for everything... AND he tried to tell her that he didn't come over to my place a couple of weeks ago with her car... even though the ex-LIGF and I totally talked about it before and after he came over.

I am so glad that part of my life is over.

I am also glad that I deleted all reference to Jon and Kate plus 8 from my PVR last night. Kate is a trainwreck and I can't watch that crap anymore. Using your kids as pawns to make yourself millions so you can go get crappy haircuts all the time is just wrong. I will just watch quality programming like "So You Think You Can Dance" and "The Deadliest Catch" instead.