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My Life in a Nutshell
Things had been going well. 

I was happy. I was in an (undefined) relationship. My first in over five years. 

I’d made some major adult decisions, and was okay with them (cancelling my “once in a lifetime” trip because I just didn’t feel like I’d be in a good enough financial place to make it happen).  Getting my line of credit debt down.  You know... adulting...

And then...

The relationship ended. I got the “I don’t have time for more than this in my life”, which I interpret to mean that the relationship either needed defining (we were exclusive, but weren’t at a time where we were doing things like making life decisions with the input of each other or anything) or ending. He wasn’t ready for more, after coming from a marriage that ended in adultery on the part of his ex-spouse that I still think he was dealing with. Or not dealing with as it may be. 

I felt the demise over the course of a week. We were on vacation together (one of those decisions that I regret now, but at the time also knew it would make or break the relationship), and throughout the week, he continued to pull back with each passing day, until the end, when we returned home, he couldn’t help me pack my car fast enough for me to go to my place. 

I knew then, but still had a faint glimmer of hope that it wasn’t over and that he just needed time, that it was over. 

Two weeks later, after random ghosting and a complete lack of communication, came the “we need to talk” chat.

It lasted all of five minutes, of which I think four were us sitting there in silence. I didn’t cry, but I certainly didn’t express my feelings, as I was fighting the frog in my throat the entire time. 

Since then, I have been experiencing some of the worst anxiety I’ve ever had. I’ve struggled with mental health for much of my adult life (and probably before then too, I just either don’t or choose not to remember or didn’t know how to define things), and had gone off my meds when the going was good. And sadly it takes three or so weeks to have those meds start working again... and those three weeks have been the last three weeks. I started taking my meds the day I got back from our vacation. I knew I’d need their help. 

It’s so bad that I’ve cried at work. Multiple times. I have great friends that have offered support, but I haven’t really taken them up in the offers. I’ve hermited myself. I’ve spent the last three days in bed. The mornings are rough. I can’t escape the feeling of dread until around lunchtime each day, which really sucks given that I’ve taken to getting up between 3 and 5am each morning. That’s a long time to lay there with your heart and brain racing. 

And I started counselling. I know I can get through this, but I don’t want to ever enter into another episode like I’ve had the past three weeks without some techniques to deal. As I told the counsellor, I don’t feel hopeless, I feel helpless. 

I’ve started meditating. Meditating has been able to get my body calm, but it hasn’t been able to calm my mind. I’ve run every conversation we’ve had through my head dozens of times. With this anxiety has also come work anxiety - normally it wouldn’t be an issue, but I’m just so overwhelmed right now. I question everything I’ve done. I stress over all of the stuff I need to do. My high standards are working against me. 

What if I’m alone forever?

What if I never find anyone that accepts me as me, with the flaws that I have, but also with all that I can offer?

What if I can’t shake this feeling of dread and despair? The feeling that there is something wrong with me?

I know I can be happy with myself. But I also know that I can be happy with someone right for me. 

What if that person is out there, but I never find them?

These are not things I expected to be grappling with in my forty second year, especially because it started off with such promise... the beginning of a relationship. 
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It's true... my name is Carmen, and I am somewhat addicted to Nicholas Sparks movies.

They're my go-to on a plane... partially because I've seen them all, so don't mind falling asleep while watching, and partially because I love a good love story.

I also wish on a fairly regular basis that my life mirrored a Nicholas Sparks movie... but sadly, that has yet to come true (although if having that one lobster for you is true, I may just get a movie deal yet!).

So, I've decided to rank all of the Nicholas Sparks movies on a completely arbitrary scale - basically I'm ranking them as I'd like them to be my life - from "worst" (but there really is no worst - I just think they have a crappy ending) to "best" (I know none of these films are Oscar worthy, and I'm totally okay with that).

11. The Best of Me

This one is the worst strictly because of the ending... cause really - James Marsden with sexy salt and pepper sideburns? That really should make a movie, IMHO, but death does not.

10. The Last Song

I know Miley and Liam are a real-life couple... but I just didn't buy it.  Plus, I think Miley has gone off her rocker too many times, and I can't get past that.

9. Dear John

I'm all for the story... but again, I'm just not a fan of one of the main characters - Amanda Seyfried.  Oh - and Channing Tatum spent waaaay too much time with his shirt on.

8. Message in a Bottle

I just don't really buy Kevin Costner in a romantic movie.  He's a bit too awkward for my liking. The story is rather unbelievable, but that's what makes a Nicholas Sparks movie.

7. Safe Haven

I like Julianne Hough.  I like Josh Duhamel.  But I didn't really like them together.  But of course, as with most Nicholas Sparks movies, the characters overcome adversity and fall in love...

6. A Night to Remember

This was the only movie that I had read the book first.  The bad boy in town falls for the church girl... cause of course!  The reason it ranks as low as it does is because of the ending - while it works for the story, I don't like that it made me cry.

5. The Notebook

I love the story... I really do.  I love the little twist that makes your heart swell the first time you watch it.  I know the movie would top so many lists - maybe it's because I've watched it so many times? 

4. The Longest Ride

A cowboy falling in love with a sorority girl?  A cowboy that lets the sorority girl keep his cowboy hat?  What is not to love.  And I love a good ending - and this movie has it.

3. The Lucky One

This movie makes me want to find a picture or a hot stranger to track down and fall in love with.  The steamy love scenes are some of the best.  Zac Efron is HOT.

2. Nights in Rodanthe

Maybe it's because of the older characters... maybe it's because of Richard Gere playing kind of a grumpy guy... but I loved how the characters helped eachother heal.

1.  The Choice

Sure... the story line is kinda the same as all the others.  But throw in a Southern accent and puppies, and I was sold that true love really can conquer all.
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I sit here... aged 41... single... and wondering...

Is there such thing as a soul mate?  Is there that one lobster out there for everyone?

And what if that lobster got away?  Or you didn't realize that lobster was for you at the time?

I've been dreaming lately of a guy from my past.  One that I haven't seen in a solid 18 years.  Yet, when I dream about a guy, it's about him, and it's a super realistic dream.

It's unnerving.  I don't want to be thinking about this person.  I don't know this person in a post-university setting - I don't know what kind of person he's come to be.  Heck - I don't even know if I remember what he was even like back in the day. 

It's been 18 years.

But I do know that he's been occupying my thoughts - a lot.

More than anyone that you haven't seen in 18 years should.

Maybe he was my lobster?  And he got away.

I'll probably never know.
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So it seems that becoming Irish isn't really as easy as it seems.  Becoming British was no problem whatsoever - this whole Irish thing?  It's shite.

Step 1 - find out that to claim Irish citizenship, and therefor then be entitled to a passport, one needs to pay 300 EUROS to register as a foreign birth. €300 is like a billion dollars Canadian (okay, about $500 Canadian)!

Step 2 - begin ordering about a billion birth/death/marriage/divorce records from three different countries to the tune of about $200.

Step 2b - realize that your last name has about a hundred different spellings in Ireland, and that if you have an O' name, the O' may or may not be on official records throughout time, and that it seems the English just added an O' to the last name of anyone who emigrated from Ireland.

Step 3 - realize that while you did order a tonne of records from Ireland, you did it for the wrong John O'common-last-name-in-Ireland (to the tune of €20 each!), and have to re-order them for the right John O'common-last-name-in-Ireland.

Step 4 - try and figure out the date your biodad died so that you can order a copy of his death certificate (we'd been estranged since I was a teen, and only knew the month/year of his death), and then when you get the death certificate, find that he's assumed his mother's maiden name as his last name, so his birth certificate and death certificate don't match.  Contact the Vital Statistics office to see if a formal name change was made, and they can't confirm or deny because why I want the information is "not on the official list of reasons they'd give out that information", but can confirm that at the time of his death, you could basically have whatever name you wanted on your death certificate.  So yeah, that really helps me.

Step 5 - realize that when you finally get the English death certificate of your grandfather (hello O'), the day/month match to his birth certificate, but his year of birth does not match.  But, you can tell it was your Aunt Tina who "picked up the body" so-to-speak, so you know you're dealing with the right John O'common-last-name-in-Ireland.  Bonus - at least the birth certificate year of birth matches what would be the age he was when he got married - because why have birth years on marriage certificates - just write down the age they were when they got married.  That's scientific.

Step 6 - email the Honourary Irish Consulate lady with your concerns that you now have a very expensive stack of birth/marriage/divorce/death certificates that may be completely useless given the number of anomalies between them, and hope that she can help so that you don't pay €300 for nothing.

Step 7 - whine, moan, and bitch on Twitter because you had a deadbeat dad who isn't good for anything even in his death because he was probably trying to avoid paying taxes or something and switched his last name for nefarious purposes.

Step 8 - make dinner, because, well, what else is there to do?

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When we were done our business in the bathroom, we had to flush the toilet on our own.

Now kids have self flushing toilets, but yet they still leave toilets full of piss and toilet paper for the next person to enjoy.

Five bathroom stalls at work, and two had toilets full of piss and toilet paper. How fucking gross.

For the love of all that is holy, when you’re done your business, and after the toilet SELF FLUSHES, take a look to make sure it took all of your piss and shit and toilet paper.

#curmudgeon
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Accidental drug overdose.

Is the accident that they took the drug, or is the accident the death that occurred from it?

I'm pretty sure most drug users don't plan on accidentally dying, but they also
don't accidentally take the drugs either.

If you take drugs, there should be nothing accidental about your death, if and when it happens.

...

Drug use (not by me... I've never even smoked pot!) and the ramifications of its use have been on my mind all weekend due to some recent events.  I'm mad.  I'm sad.  I'm angry. 

In the end, drugs may not kill you, but they can still really fuck up your (and others) lives.
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About me

40-something. curmudgeon. thornback. tea drinker. hockey fanatic. introvert. world traveller. triple citizen. proud Canadian. mini donut connoisseur. Canucks fan. taller than average. #1 Trevor Linden fan.

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