Sleep... You're One Elusive Bitch

by - Thursday, April 02, 2009

I am suffering from insomnia.

This has been going on for a couple of weeks now, and although I am not completely sure what brought it on, I do know what is causing it now.

Anxiety attacks.

I internalize and blame myself for pretty much every mistake that could be mine (even if it isn't), or is a result of other peoples actions. If I solve one issue, I wonder how many other times I have done the same thing - even if I know there aren't any. My brain is running a constant internal monologue of "what if" scenarios.

My attacks come a heavy feeling in my chest, a racing heartbeat, the sweats and what can only be described as a feeling on my skin that a rash is imminent (sounds attractive, I know).

Because of that, it is 2 o'clock in the morning and I don't think that I will be going to sleep any time soon.

Lately it has been work related. Now, I did get the one issue sorted out, but now I keep thinking - how many others have I potentially done the same thing to? Now it is a communication issue... I am sure I asked for a certain substitution for some of my students, and now the department is saying no way. And unfortunately - I would have asked for these substitutions in random hallway conversations, so there is no proof one way or another that what I got from the conversation is indeed what I should have gotten.

My only saving grace is that none of these substitutions have actually been signed off on... and hopefully, if there are any (that is my main issue... I don't know if this is actually a problem! But all that is running through my head is a bunch of damn "what ifs"...) I will catch them at that time. And hopefully in time...

And then take the blame... because in the long run I know it will come down on me.

Until then I sit and contemplate whether or not I ask my doctor for some sort of anti-anxiety medication so that I can get a decent nights sleep... unfortunately for me, this is not the first time I have felt this way... fortunately, I know that all of this - while situational, is probably due to a mix-up in my brains chemicals and I am not afraid to take medication if it is in my best interest.

Seriously... sleep is in my best interest at this point.

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  1. So here is my other blog... here is what I've learned over the last few weeks - HALT - hunger, anger, loneliness and tired - any one of these can trigger an episode and knowing what will trigger them is half the battle - sleep is critical and ask for something if you need it - I used chamomile tea for a while there - and it helped - or at least I made myself believe it was helping - but if your brain will let you take something stronger than take it - I was going insane without sleep - I was depriving myself and then crashing hard and that isn't good for us or for the people who have to put up with us... take care of yourself - love - apes

  2. Good for you for asking for help when you need it. I went through a period in my life where I would have really benefitted from anxiety medication but instead suffered in silence.

  3. Anonymous5:48 PM

    Have I told you this already? Tryptophan (the amino acid in turkey that makes you sleepy) is great for a calm, non-drug induced sleep PLUS good for anxiety (you need a prescription). And 1000mcg of vitamin B12 per day. And a good cardio workout, try for every day but be happy with what you get.

    I been there done that with the anxiety, and I now seem to have it under control.

    Good luck!