Online Dating Sucks @ss...

by - Monday, September 15, 2008

Yup... I have been a full-fledged member of the online dating community since October 2006. And during that time I have had the (mis)fortune of meeting a bunch of really odd/creepy/diseased guys... here are just a few...

Creepy Arm Hair Guy. This guy wouldn't get the hint. He once left four phone messages in one weekend wanting to know what I was doing. What I was doing was not returning his phone calls because he creeped me out. He didn't even hide the fact that he was staring at my chest like he had never seen boobs before, and his arm hair I swear could reach across the room and touch me. Gross. Me. Out.

Older Guy. Also known as the new guy for awhile. Also the guy who tried his darnedest to give me the chlamydia. Oh lucky me. Seems to have gotten the hint with the not-replied-to text message.

Geeky Guy. This was my first venture into online dating, right when I moved here. I think this guy had his life laid out down to the color of the underwear he was going to wear on his wedding day.

The Guy-around-the-Corner. This was odd. He really did live around the corner from me which would have been really convenient. We went on a date... but I ended contact with him after we were talking about hockey one night on MSN and out of the blue he tells me he liked sucking pussy. Ummm... dude... no.

So, as you can tell, my forage into online dating has not provided any potential boyfriends, or even friends really. Which sucks. I like having guy friends. I can go to hockey games with them and swear and taunt the other team and they think it is cool. I guess it just isn't meant to be.

I think the best thing for the online dating profile is to be yourself. Because if it is meant to be and you actually want to meet this person one day, they are going to realize pretty soon that you don't look like {insert twinkie of the week's name here} and that when you said you liked the outdoors that really you liked walking to your car. But still... here are a few things that I have noticed online in the profiles.

a) Graduate degree... this means that you have gone to school AFTER your undergraduate degree, not that you graduated from college, or high school. I understand that there are a number of trades people who may have gone to get their MBA's before working in the construction field... but come-on... for the most part you graduated, you didn't receive a graduate degree. Just goes to show you don't know what you are talking about.

b) Just by answering "prefer not to say", I, like any other female out there is probably going to assume that you are really answering YES. So... when the question is "Do you do drugs" and you answer "prefer not to say"... we assume you are a drug addict. Same goes with smoking, kids and drinking. Be honest.

c) Bad punctuation. You is spelled y-o-u, not just u. You're is y-o-u-'-r-e, not ur. There is such thing as spellcheck. I use it... so can you.

d) Pictures of your pets is cool, but in all honesty I would prefer a picture of you in which your face isn't the size of a pinhead. I admit... I have to have some attraction to you... some. I don't expect you to look like a supermodel, because honestly - I don't and I never will. But I do have to be able to see myself kissing you in the future.

e) Don't start a conversation with "nice tits". I know they are nice. I live with them. And especially don't start with "nice tits" in an instant message when I: i) ask that you don't waste your time instant messaging me because basically I log-on and log-off the sites very quickly and I don't want you to waste your credits on me - send me an e-mail and ii) I specifically say that I am not in this for a one-night stand... which is all I think people who's first contact is "nice tits" are after.

f) I am 31. You are 62. No... there is not going to be any 'hook-ups' in the near future grandpa. I have set my limit at 10 years older for a reason...

I am sure there are other reasons out there why online dating sucks @ss... but I will leave those for another post. Let's just say that meeting a reasonable guy (who doesn't live in his mothers basement - I learned the first time) in a city of over 1,000,000 people isn't as easy as I think it should be.

ETA... I would like to take this time to celebrate the two-year anniversary of my separation... although it lead me down the path to online dating it is the best thing that has happened to me... it let me become... me.

You May Also Like


  1. I love that you say creepy as much as I do. I have always been to scared to online date. This post just proves I am right.