An Open Letter to Superstore Shoppers...

by - Thursday, July 09, 2009

Dear Joe-Average Superstore Shopper,

Here are a few tips that will make my (and I guess your) shopping experience just that little bit better...

- learn how to park. Theory is that the smaller the car, the easier this feat is... prove it to me. I challenge you to park in one try...
- while I appreciate you bringing grandma/grandma/child with broken leg to the store, I do not appreciate it when you allow them to push the cart as SLOW AS SHIT. Given the chance I will walk by you in a huff and mumble "for fucks sake" under my breath. And really - by huff and mumble I mean audibly swear and scowl in your direction as I walk by.
- please use the self check-out as a 15 items or less line... to those of you (you know who you are) that insist on putting through and entire cart of fucking groceries - I hate you.
- if you do use the said self check-out, please make sure you know how to use the damn thing. This means a few things; a) once you scan the good, you put it in the bag or the machine will yell at you (and looking stunned because the machine won't let you scan any more items makes you look dumb by the way), b) when you buy bulk food, write the fucking code down so you don't have to search through nine zillion codes when you don't even know what the hell it is in the bag, and c) know your vegetables - if you don't know that leeks are leeks you shouldn't be buying them in the first damn place.
- speed is of the essence... pretend that once you finish and get your receipt, that that receipt is really a gold medal - and if you go slow, all you will get is the purple ribbon of achievement (like the one I the losers got on sports day in elementary school when they sucked and came in last).
- when the debit/credit card machine has stickers that say STRIPE OUT (no less than three times I might add) it really means - TURN YOUR CARDS FUCKING STRIPE OUT. I am sure that the store employees don't just put these stickers on the machines for fun... and I am sure that a little piece of them dies every time you push the "call cashier" button because your card isn't working and it is your OWN DAMN FAULT.
- when using self check-outs, to be able to use a coupon your IQ must fall into the genius range.

In order to make my experience better, please abide by these rules, or there is a chance that next time you see me in Superstore, I will be the lady going ape-shit bat-crazy on your sorry ass.

Carmen in Calgary

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  1. People who put more that 15 items through the self check out should be set on fire.

  2. So wait, you can check your self out at the grocery store? I can only see that failing in South Africa. Too many dumbasses who can't count.

  3. here here sista!!

    i feel you on alllll of those!

    LOL @ "If you dont know that leeks are leeks..." haha

    and i dont mean to toot my own horn but i guess i fall into the "genius" category.... i use my superbucks all the time in the self check out! (but i have them ready and in my hand when i am in line... )

    psst.... if you didnt know already, Leah and I and maybe "Alice in Averageland" are going ot be at ranchmans tonight! Holla!!

  4. You crack me up! I basically think all of these things at least once everytime I go to the grocery store.

  5. Thank you for this - I soooo needed the giggle today - and the clarification that I am normal. I could have written :)


    i can't handle shopping at superstore. i'd love to save the money on groceries, but my sanity is more important. please send this letter to their headquarters. thanks in advance.

  7. Yeah, now try WORKING there. You get, what, 20 minutes of stupidity? I get 7 hours, 5 days a week.

    @sarahdotcom re: "please send this letter to their headquarters."

    We don't need that memo, actually. We already KNOW our customers are mainly idiots.

  8. Shopping at superstore makes me weep for the future of all human kind. When I see the people there, I think... saving $2 just isn't worth it.

    I hate watching how so many of them scream at their kids. I watched a woman slap her tiny baby's hand. I hate how they talk to the employees. I judge what people buy (because I'm a bad person fundamentally) and they buy so much crap.

    You know what, though, I'll use the self-check out for a few bags of things because I refuse to stand behind every yahoo with overflowing carts at the TWO open cashiers. So our superstore is somewhat forcing us over there (us being the middle ground shoppers).

    Oh yeah, and they're jacking their prices lately. The bag of fruit I buy went from $11 last fall to $16 now...

  9. i love the self check out ... but only if i don't have to wait in line, because the stupidity of others makes me all stabby. we have self check outs at a couple of the walmart stores here in halifax ... not as bad as superstore, but close. stabby!!!

  10. Anonymous11:55 AM

    I use self-checkout for 20-30 items. But I was previously a cashier and I can get through it in 5 mins, so it's no problem. On the other hand, there are damn fools out there who really have no idea how to scan and bag. Seriously. Put your bags down first, then scan your shit and put it in. Not hard! Once I did 15-20 items in less time than these 2 morons who only had a bag of rice.