I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and I've started to question whether I even know what love is.

I know what lust it... and infactuation.

And I know what it's like to be comfortable.

But I don't know if I really know what love is.

I think it's really sad to be questioning this fact considering I have been married, and I am just out of a long-term relationship.

But I don't know if I ever truly loved either of them.  I know that there were probably some inherent love moments, but I'm wondering if I have some sort of mental block about letting go and loving.

For fear that I won't be loved back I guess.

When does love kick in?  Is it really something that can be defined? 

Is enjoying being with someone and sharing the same interests as someone enough to be love? 

Do you need to fall into the stereotypical definition of intimacy to be in love?  Should a percieved lack of intimacy not make you love someone?

Is a willingness to just let go and move on with your life a sign of a lack of love?

I wish I knew the answers to my questions. 

I know it's probably just the circumstance, but I'm wondering if yet again, as with my marriage, that I was just in it because I was comfortable, I just wasn't the first one to be able to admit it.

I did a quick Google search... it seems like Foreigner and Mariah Carey (both with songs titled "I Want to Know What Love Is") need to take a lesson from Celine Dion, who apparently already knows (her song is "I Know What Love Is").

I wonder if Celine will enlighten a fellow Canadian in her knowing ways?

 I stayed home from work yesterday to hold a pity party for one.

I cried a lot in the morning, and then a friend brought me comfort carbs in the afternoon.

I'm still not hungry, the thought of actually bringing food to my mouth and chewing it is the last thing I want to do.

I know it's over, that doesn't really bother me.

Actually, it does bother me, but there is nothing I can do about it.  I'm not going to beg for someone to have feelings for me and I sure as hell don't want to be around someone who doesn't feel for me the same way I feel for him.

I'll be okay.  He's coming to get the rest of his stuff on Sunday, and we'll talk then about the cash he owes me.  Not sure he's going to like paying for a vacation he's not going on, but thems the breaks when you never did/fall out of love with someone I guess.

I think I am going to try and occupy my time with volunteering and perhaps joining a weekday floor hockey league.  I need to start getting out again.

The worst part of all of this is that I now have a long weekend to sit and wallow in all of it.

I'll try not to think about what I did "wrong" because as far as I'm concerned (or what I keep telling myself), is that I didn't do anything wrong.  He didn't feel the need to discuss issues he was having with me until it got to the point that it did.  That is not my fault.

As a friend put it today, he didn't really leave any crumbs.  No clues.  And the crumbs he may have left he hid under the couch so I couldn't tell there were any.

I went to work today, and only teared up three times by my calculation.

I'm hoping tomorrow is even better.  Even my heart isn't doing the "hurt" thing as much anymore, and the rash thing is gone. 

I'll be okay.

"Let's be friends".
"I'm not ready for a relationship right now".
"I just want to see you for casual sex".
"I have a live-in girlfriend".

What I didn't expect to hear from my live-in boyfriend of over a year is that he never loved me. 

Ever. 

I never saw it coming. I feel like I've been hit by a train. 

He thought maybe he could grow to love me.

I guess that didn't happen because now I have no boyfriend and a non-refundable cruise/airfare to deal with. 

Not to mention the sudden break-out in what seems like hives and the inability to eat or sleep. 

Or turn off my brain. 

I've gone through this before. It sucks balls. But in the end I always come out stronger. 

But honestly, I'm kind of tired of getting stronger and really just want to be happy. 

One day.

Today my mom delivered the news that her little brother passed away last night.  Outliving your parents are one thing, but outliving your siblings is something I hope to not ever have to deal with.

I hope the view from above is great Uncle Dan...

I needed to cry.

And while I have only watched about five minutes of the Emmy's... I happened to turn it on while you were singing "I Will Remember You".

And now I am sitting here bawling my face off.

I don't know why.

Fuck that... I do know why.

I am tired of it. I am tired of being a pawn. I am tired of being the girl that has plans made with a guy TWO DAYS in a row and then doesn't hear from him after the plans are made.

I am tired of being the girl that knows she is awesome, but yet can't seem to catch a break in the man department.

I am tired of thinking that I should put my life on hold for a guy.

It hurts. It really fucking hurts to think that I am going to be alone forever.

I don't want to be the pathetic girl anymore.

I am tired of it but I don't know how to make the feelings stop.

I don't want to sit here crying on a Sunday night anymore.

I am worth so much more than this.

I need to simmer down.

I just yelled off my balcony at the guys doing renovations next door.

For no other reason that I am getting a little tired of cancer affecting those around me.

My BFF since grade ten is going to have a hysterectomy.

At age 32.

She wanted kids. I think she would have been a great mom (and that is not to say she can't be a mom... but she really wanted to have her own kids).

And cancer is taking that away from her.

My first meeting with my BBF happened on the basketball court. Back when we went to rival junior high schools she was my check and I think I made fun of her and perhaps even hurt her... but then we became besties when we met up in senior high school.

Even when she dated the guy I was totally in love with in high school.

Even when we went through almost a whole summer without talking (and I honestly couldn't tell you why... I just know that we were both pissed about something).

Even though we haven't lived in the same city since we were 18 years old.

And now she has to go through this. It isn't fair.

She's a good person.

Why did it happen to her?

I will never understand how the universe works.

All I know is that I wish I could kick it in the balls. The universe that is. And cancer.

I was going to write a post about my impending breast reduction surgery, but two things I stumbled across online today are far more worthy of a boob post than my own knockers...

For your pleasure and enjoyment (especially if you don't follow me on Twitter - which you should - because I am damn hilarious sometimes)...

The guy who got "breast implants" for his tattoo...And the Barbie boobs "Heart Cocktail Ring"... which you could own for a mere $160.oo US!And don't worry... the Barbie boobs ring also comes in an African American skin tone as well... or you can get a Barbie boob necklace...

What is this world coming to? Seriously people... boob rings?

So, it looks like my run in with the cheating scumbag boy with the ex-LIGF has come to a silent end.

What a pisser.

Perhaps he got a conscience? That I highly doubt. The last I heard from the ex-LIGF was that his excuse for cheating was that she didn't move here from across the figgin' country quick enough.

So... I guess that means you cheat on her after she moves here?

Cause that totally makes sense.

My phone has been four silent days... four days of silence from both him and her.

I didn't get to give him my speech on why he was a douchebag.

I didn't get to try and make him feel very uncomfortable as I grilled him.

I didn't get to do any of my dastardly plans.

But I am moving on.

And honestly, that is the best plan ever.

Unfortunately that plan involved signing up for online dating yet again, but I am sure I can survive.I am fricking cursed... within FOUR MINUTES of posting this, I got a text from the ex-LIGF. I think I am going to go and poke my eyes out now...

Today... so far... and it isn't even 11:00 in the damn morning...

- was blocked into my apartment parking lot by a garbage truck that, for some ungodly reason, could not get the poker things into the dumpster...... as not to be confused with Lady Gaga's poker things... I mean poker face...

- had to grovel to the "big sister school on the other side of the river"... again...
- the Twix bar that I bought (hey, I figured that if I walked all the way across the campus to get a Coke, I might as well treat myself to chocolate for breakfast) melted on the way back to my office
- suspect that the boy found out that I know all about how he is a douchebag, because I haven't heard from him since Friday night, nor have I heard from the ex-LIGF. Now I can't get my revenge!
- I am in grammar purgatory. It is days like this when I have to write letters to important people that I wish I had taken first-year English in university instead of Geography.

I think that is about it... all I can say is - how many hours until Friday?

Do not try and move a bazillion pound 36" television to another room without help.

Even if your living room looks way better without two TV's in it.

Because you are bound to drop said bazillion pound TV on your big toe.

And it will hurt like a motherfucker.

Seriously.

A giant motherfucker.

But I am helping it helping it heal by wrapping it in hockey tape because I am all Canadian like that. Hockey tape solves everything in Canada. I think they use duct tape in the US for things like this.Notice the nice new flat screen in the background?

Good news... the nail is still attached and I love my new TV. The cable dude come with my new PVR on the weekend so I can watch shit in HD.

Yeah... sometimes my tomboy side still comes out. I am tv-gasming with the thought of NHL playoffs in HD.

PS... that is not puss on my toe... it is Polysporin. Just thought I would let you all know that. I wonder how many people will find my blog now searching for puss?

It is no secret that there were times in my life that I suffered from depression.

But I don't think that this is one of those times.

But I am suffering from some of the symptoms of depression... anxiety and panic attacks.

I just can't let things go.

Yesterday I had a huge weight lifted off my shoulders and I was doing well all day long.

Until about 8:00 last night... I got something in my head that just wouldn't leave.

And that something in my head creates the most miserable feeling in my chest.

A tight, icky feeling.

It sucks.

So I bit the bullet. Wednesday I have a doctor's appointment... and Monday I have an appointment with a counsellor to try and learn some techniques to deal with stress. I am not above medication (I've been on it in the past), but I really think I need to tackle this issue from a holistic approach as well as medication.

I just hate feeling like I have failed.

Even though I know I haven't.

But try telling that tight, icky feeling in my chest that.

I am suffering from insomnia.

This has been going on for a couple of weeks now, and although I am not completely sure what brought it on, I do know what is causing it now.

Anxiety attacks.

I internalize and blame myself for pretty much every mistake that could be mine (even if it isn't), or is a result of other peoples actions. If I solve one issue, I wonder how many other times I have done the same thing - even if I know there aren't any. My brain is running a constant internal monologue of "what if" scenarios.

My attacks come a heavy feeling in my chest, a racing heartbeat, the sweats and what can only be described as a feeling on my skin that a rash is imminent (sounds attractive, I know).

Because of that, it is 2 o'clock in the morning and I don't think that I will be going to sleep any time soon.

Lately it has been work related. Now, I did get the one issue sorted out, but now I keep thinking - how many others have I potentially done the same thing to? Now it is a communication issue... I am sure I asked for a certain substitution for some of my students, and now the department is saying no way. And unfortunately - I would have asked for these substitutions in random hallway conversations, so there is no proof one way or another that what I got from the conversation is indeed what I should have gotten.

My only saving grace is that none of these substitutions have actually been signed off on... and hopefully, if there are any (that is my main issue... I don't know if this is actually a problem! But all that is running through my head is a bunch of damn "what ifs"...) I will catch them at that time. And hopefully in time...

And then take the blame... because in the long run I know it will come down on me.

Until then I sit and contemplate whether or not I ask my doctor for some sort of anti-anxiety medication so that I can get a decent nights sleep... unfortunately for me, this is not the first time I have felt this way... fortunately, I know that all of this - while situational, is probably due to a mix-up in my brains chemicals and I am not afraid to take medication if it is in my best interest.

Seriously... sleep is in my best interest at this point.

If I didn't have to live through another Wednesday, I'd ask for a re-do of today.

Honestly... I actually asked my boss to sign a memo stating that today was Friday, so I wouldn't have to come back tomorrow.

He didn't think I was serious.

I was.

Serious as a freaking heart attack.

This post could have alternately been titled "Don't Budge in the Tim Horton's Drive-Thru Line-Up or You WILL Get Honked/Fingered/Sworn At"...

A few times a week, I go through the Tim's rive-thru and order myself a XL steeped tea, triple-triple. Yes... I have finally found a Tim Horton's that doesn't serve me coffee when I order tea.

The parking lot where this particular Tim's is located is a little tricky... and since there are areas for "through" traffic, when we are in line, we leave a spot for cars to go through... common parking lot courtesy if you ask me.

A note to the chick this morning...

THIS DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN BUDGE IN LINE!!!

NO LINE CRASHING! (That was on the sign that hung in my high school cafeteria cue.)

It isn't an open spot... it is a courtesy thoroughfare dammit!

Because, chick from this morning, you will be honked at by me, honked at by the guy behind me, and sworn at by the guy behind him... and then laughed at by everyone in the whole parking lot, including no less than SEVEN police officers (there were probably more, I just couldn't see them) (why weren't there any hot firefighters in the parking lot? Arg.).

To the point that she meekly backed up and went to the end of the line, like everyone else in the freaking line does. And seriously, if she could have put your head between your legs and properly driven, I am sure she would have.

The best part of this?

I got air high-fived by the guy behind me for honking. And he was cute.

What day doesn't start well when you get air high-fived?

If you ask for a girl's phone number, you better live up to your end of the (unwritten) deal and actually call/text her.

'Cause if you don't, the slightly irrational and somewhat over analyzing personality tendencies of said girl will take over her brain and cause her to sit by her cell phone constantly waiting for it to ring climb over her furniture to reach the phone whenever it rings annoy the hell out of her friends while analyzing the appropriate wait times between giving number and the receiving of a phone call contemplate what she did "wrong".

Even though the really tiny rational part of her brain keeps telling her that she didn't do anything wrong and it is his loss.

I may or may not be speaking from experience.

Well folks... even though I don't believe that I have plagiarized any other blog posts/articles/written works on my blog, in order to end this amicably, I have changed three words.

I changed one paragraph beginning from "Curling is a very" to "Many would consider". I have plugged this into as many plagiarism checking websites as I can find, and to my knowledge, I am no longer treading on thin ice... that is according to the interwebs and all. It should also be noted that these websites only check for suspected plagiarism, and I honestly think that if I were to push this fact I would not be in the wrong at all.

I will however, make it known that even though I have made this change, I do not believe one iota that I plagiarized any other written work. My blog is full of my thoughts, and if my random thoughts happen to be similar in nature to anyone else's, I consider them lucky to think just like me.

I have had a few back-and-forth e-mails with the person who "accused" me of plagiarizing, and while she has her own interests in mind, I also have mine. She isn't a mean person, just the thought of someone telling me they are going to report me to Google because I am supposedly copying their work gets me seriously pissed me off. Google (who owns Blogger) does have a policy on plagiarism and I guess if "convicted" I could have seen my years of blog work go up in smoke. Little do they know I have it all backed up, suckers!

I hope this is the end of the fiasco. I thank each and every one of you for supporting me through posts, e-mails and Twitter comments. I hope that you all keep reading. Heck - I may have gotten myself another reader out of this... heh.

PS... I have turned comment moderation back off... all my regular followers are awesome and if I find a comment I don't like I will just hit the good old garbage can icon!

I have been accused of plagiarism.

Apparently my last post, in which I explain curling in my own terms, in my post-Brier-volunteering catatonic state, has ticked off someone. And now they are apparently reporting me to Google.

I am deciding to fight this, since really... is what rolls around in my head and then gets typed plagiarism?

I sure as hell don't think so.

I explained curling. I used some curling terminology, since really - there are only so many words to use. A rock is a rock, a skip is a skip... well... you get it...

And I added hot guys. Which really - makes the blog post what it is.

As one of my Twitter friends put it (and I will quote it so I don't get in trouble again - and the only reason I am doing this is because I know this person has a public Twitter profile - and I am not even naming the person either, and I wouldn't ever do this if someone was private)...

@carmenincalgary That girl is nuts. That's like saying explaining baseball ='they run around the bases' is plagiarizing. MJ = dumb

Exactly!

And to top it all off, when I put my entire blog post into one of the many plagiarizing software programs available online... you know who I am plagiarizing?

MYSELF!

That of course means that only my blog post is listed...

With one exception (well... two - my other reference to red rocks came up with a match to Leonard Cohen - which I can assure you has nothing to do with the red rocks I am talking about). We both called curling a gentlemanly (actually, she calls it gentleman's game... but we both use the words "curling is a very" - which I am sure nobody else in the history of talking about/writing about curling has ever used those exact four words in succession before... yeah, right...) sport. Seriously... that constitutes plagiarism? Well, then according to my search, she also plagiarized (according to the 2000 article written by the Granite Curling club)... here is the result from Google Advanced (from articlechecker.com) search when I put my ENTIRE blog post in the search engine...And here is the search when I type in "curling gentlemanly game" into Google... over 26,700 results - honestly... I am not the first person to use the phrase, and neither was she!Needless to say, I have told her to go ahead and report me to Google all she wants. I will fight this one!

I made it through FIVE years of University without ever plagiarizing... does someone seriously think that I would start now on a blog post about curling?

PS... I am going to turn on comment moderation for a bit in case my accuser shows up... I'll turn it off in a couple of days when I am not so freaking pissed off.

Much like Matt... I am getting pretty much sweet fuck all of a tax return...

A whopping $307.26.*

While it technically is enough to buy Coach purse I have been checking out... I kinda owe the Man $100 from an overpayment on their part (don't even get me started on how much I hate Gordo). And since the bill came in, let's just say August, I am sure they are going to take that right off my return - leaving me even less.

So - not only am I getting screwed with a small return... their fuck up makes it even worse.

Gone are the days when I had tuition to claim... then student loan interest (who would've thought paying off your student loan 10 years early would actually be a bad idea?)... and last year was the big move...

Tomorrow I march up to payroll and demand their heads to be chopped off that they take more taxes off next year, just in case I have less write-offs than I had this year.

Until then, I am taking suggestions on how to spend $207.26.**

* Yeah... I know... at least I get something back.
** Bonus - I am eligible for a GST refund of $12.26 this year - I will be taking suggestions of how to spend that money in July when I actually get it. I am thinking Happy Meal?

I have previously mentioned bootie call boy... but to recap for you newbies (or those just just don't/care not to remember)... we met back when I lived in BC, we got together for a week while he was there for work, got together a couple of times before I moved here when I came to visit friends, and have hooked up a few times since I moved here.

Nothing even close to regular... and nothing recently.

Because I have decided that I am just not a bootie call kind of girl. Well, I kinda already knew that - but I was testing the waters I guess.

It isn't that I don't like sex. Because I do (and trust me - there was a time I didn't... but we won't go into how sorry I feel for my ex's new wife... poor girl...). It is just that I want more. I want to wake up next to the guy... share my deepest feeling with the guy... I want a relationship - and all the good, the bad and the ugly that comes with one.

But I don't want one with bootie call boy (nor does he want one with me - at least I hope not!)... but he isn't really getting the point.

I used to take 'breaks' from him by blocking him on my MSN and then if I felt like talking to him, I would unblock him. He never seemed to notice one way or another...

His IM's usually begin with something along the lines of "I'm horny". Meh. I am so over that. How about a hello?

When I was home a couple of weeks ago, he sent me a message... and I replied that I was out of town and that my step-dad was sick... he said he was sorry to hear it and then I logged off because I didn't feel like talking.

When I got back from BC, I got an IM (that for all of your sakes I will not repeat) and I said I wasn't in the mood because my step- dad had just passed. He said he was sorry to hear that, and then proceeded to tell me what he wanted to do to me.

Totally uncool right? Right.

Well... since then I have blocked him from my MSN, and I am thinking of removing him all together... because he just isn't getting it.

In the past week, he has sent me two messages through Lavalife (which means he had to pay to use his credits - I guess he recognized my profile picture while trolling for women - a total waste of money in my books), two private messages on Facebook, and two e-mail messages - none of which I have replied to.

Because really... I need more, I deserve more, and I am going to get more. One day. Soon. I hope.

And I am tired of feeling like a whore.

I seriously think he should read the book "He's Just Not That Into You" and replace all the he's with she's... or maybe I should read the book and try out some of the "moves" on him.

Arg.

eHarmony just offered me a "buy 1 month, get 2 months free" deal... which I may sign up for just so I can see the pictures of those guys who I am matched with.

Why you ask?

Well, because Patrick, who I got into open communication with during the free weekend does not... how do I say this without sounding like a raging bitch that makes her choice of men based solely on looks alone (which I don't)... do it for me. I could have totally closed the match early on if I had seen the picture. And just so you can get an idea of what I am dealing with here... picture this:
His e-mails have been so-so... nothing earth shattering... but... his physical appearance just doesn't do it for me. At all.

So - now how do I not come across as a totally superficial person when I don't really reply to his e-mail with as much interest as I may have previously replied?

Because, he is going to know it is because he sent his picture.

I doubt that he will think it is because when I asked for an answer to the question "If you could do something totally out of character and remain anonymous what would you do?"... here was the answer...

Probably tell someone I had a huge crush on them. I mean, they wouldn't know who it was, right? Yes, I would like to meet someone, but I can be terribly shy at first. but I do open up. The reason I am probably still single at this point in my life is that I have been so shy in the past I never told anyone how I felt about them. To shy for my own good. Now you know. In time, there may be something I would like to tell you. But I think that conversation would overcome this fear of telling someone how you feel.

I should have guessed he was a 31-year-old virgin right then (okay... I don't actually know if the virgin part can be substantiated).

Carmen = online dating failure.

Arg.

* The title of this post is an actual Comic Book Guy quote from the Simpsons... yeah... I am lame.