So... you want to be a professional soccer player

by - Tuesday, June 17, 2014

I've watched some... no, a lot... okay, all of the World Cup so far and I've come up with some keys to becoming a successful professional soccer player on the World Cup stage. 

A player must:

1. Only use one name. It doesn't matter if it's your first or last, but you only get one. Like Cher. Or Madonna. Or in the case of the Brazillians Fred and Jo. 

2. Have a neck tattoo. Something Jesus-y in a scripty font. 

3. Sport terribly died blonde hair cut into a longish, lopsided, floppy Mohawk. 

4. Wear fluorescent cleats. It's a proven fact tht the brighter the cleats, the faster the player. 

5. Possess the ability to over exaggerate everything from facial expressions to injuries. Especially injuries.

6. Have an "I can do no wrong" attitude, with a believable look of astonishment every time your punished. Even if you just head butted a guy. In front of the referee. 

7. Have a hot wife/girlfriend that will inevitably be spoken about during the half time show by some dimwit commentator because of how many Twitter followers they have. 

8. Rock one of the new-fangled tight jerseys... especially in the rain. Seriously... it could rain for the rest of the World Cup and I'd be a happy camper. 

Bonus points if you have all of the above qualities. You're pretty much guaranteed success. 

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